Xingxin

 Xing Xin Transaction of Interview

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Kate: Have you ever felt jealous? 

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Xing Xin: Yeah, from time to time I think. OK, I I have one of best friends in high school and in college we kind of live together after we graduate from college. You know, when you get too close with your best friend, it's kind of complicated. And sometimes I jealous feel jealous about, I don't know. You know, it's kind of feel life. Her life is much more easier than mine. And I feel both jealous and guilty because I kind of feel like I shouldn't be jealous. Yeah, that's the one. The point. And sometimes when I saw other people, you know? They have much prettier. Yeah, and. Or kind of, you know, just in general. Oh, I wish I could act pretty. Yeah, kind of. 

Kate: Does the idea of becoming old worry you? 

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Xing Xin: Yeah, in some way. Kind of, yeah. I don't know. I might sometimes hope I could met someone. You know that real soul mate is that ridiculous. And you know, when you when you think about this, you feel. I wish I could be younger and I can meet. I can meet the guy. When I was young, not when I, you know, kind of get older. When I thought about this, I kind of feel. You know, I don't want to be. Getting old, but other times it's OK. Because I don't like. Myself when I was young, super young, like Becca is super naive. Yeah, I like being adult adult. Yeah, me too. You know, why me? A lot of stupid things. 

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Kate: Do you think that sex is important in a relationship? 

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Xing Xin: Yeah, let me think about this. I don't know when I, you know, my my past relationships. If I have a good, like sexual relationship, sexual part is good. I'm I'm not sure if I have the right answer right now, but in the past I feel it's very important, but now I'm not sure. Because in this moment I kind of feel, you know, sex can be apart from the emotion or the different connections. But in the past that kind of feel you have matched each other. Sex like interests like. Yeah, you know. So that part in that time I feel kind of it is important, but now I'm not sure. 

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Kate : Do you ever resent the time where you spend getting like dressed up or looking nice. Do you feel like frustrated at the fact that for example, being female, there's more of a pressure to do that in comparison to a man? 

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Xing Xin: I used to. I used to yeah, because. I felt, you know, life is much more easier to men than to women. But now I kind of feel it's kind of different site. I don't know if if it is from Korea, but you know, usually men need to clear. You know. Themselves up is that the right word? Yeah, they have to clear them up to, you know, get picked by women. Yeah, so. Yeah, I actually like being a woman, so. It's not a real thing that could annoyed me. Yeah, yeah. That is actually your choice, right? You have choice. You you could be. You know, you could be messy, you could be, you know, like man, don't wearing makeup, don't dress up kind of. You know, if you want to. That's your choice. 

Kate: Does it worry you what people think about you? 

Xing Xin: Yeah, sometimes it does. But it's getting less important when I getting older. Yeah, sometimes I. I look, I looked at, you know, the the person that means a lot to me. Care about their opinion, but other people, it's just fine. I I can. I kind of feel that I can't make everybody satisfied. I mean, you know when you get, when you're getting older, it means less and less important, but it I care about the people who means a lot to me. What they thought about me, but other people, it's just fine. You can send satisfied everybody. 

Kate : So do you feel like? If one of your friends didn't like something you did. Would they tell? You and how would that make you feel? 

Xing Xin :Or if they tell me. It depends if. You know it, it is just like. Lifestyle, like habits like lifestyle habits, I'm not sure I use the right word. You know, I could, I could change for them if he or she means a lot to me. But if something depends it relative to my value. It it just, you know. If you are my friend, you have to accept this part of me. Yeah, like, like green. He's kind of, he can tell the future of somebody that makes no sense to me. It's so ridiculous. But I have. Accepted this part. You know if you want to be friends with him, it's like, yeah. 

Kate: What's the minimum amount of money you think you would need to live off comfortably? 

Xing Xin: Minimum amounts, you know I. You know, I quit my job to Start learning painting and I kind of found that. I don't need much money to live comfortably. So I didn't really think about the, you know, the amount amounts, but. It's kind of time kind of error that nobody could die of. So it doesn't might matter to me. I I don't have the exact number of you know. But it could be very low, yeah. 

Kate: All material things like clothes, fashion, things like that. Are they important to you? 

Xing Xin: Yeah, in some way, yes. I kind of like things that have been with me for a long time that like that, that things means a lot to me, but Oh yeah, I know. I mean, I do care about the. Or should the quality of the you know the codes or the things? You know, if I kind of feel different, if the quality is good, you know, you, you, you. I think everybody like like good quality things, but it means not that much to me. But it's good if it's good quality. I prefer, you know, to buy less and good quality to, you know. Amount of. Them but in bad quality. 

Kate: Do you ever think about death or suicide? 

Xing Xin: Yeah, not not. I never think both to is right. Yeah, I I think life is short. So it's. It's good to be alive, but I sometimes think about death, especially when I have to face that my parents are getting old and I sometimes can feel. They are quite near, you know, the shadow of death. I kind of feel I have to study how to accept the fact that sometimes one day I might face that they, you know, they were not alive anymore. That's why I think about that. Actually, I used to think about. I might do a project about death. Yeah, because my father, I when I came to London, I spent like 3 months with my parents, lived together as the first time I did this after. I'm being an adult because I always live in Beijing. And it's weird because. Your adult you live, you have totally different life lifestyle with your parents. It's hard for you to get along with your parents, but sometimes you know you get, you can get angry and you can't get along with them. But sometimes when. You, you, you look at them, you know, sit right in front of the TV and like. Kind of fell asleep. That quiet moment is super, you know, heartbroken. Yeah, definitely. 

Kate: Do you think marriage is outdated? 

Xing Xin: Yeah, kind of. I kind of like, you know, 121 marriage is not. It's not. Makes sense. It's not natural. Because maybe it's because of the sex part. I kind of feel it's hard to, you know. Being interested in the. In each other. For a very long time. That's why I didn't. I don't trust long term relationship. It's kind of weird, you know, not only men, but women can be lose the interest to the other. And it's a tricky thing to. You know, keep interested in each other so. I don't know. I prefer open relationship maybe. But I'm not so sure about this. That's why I pray. I pray I prefer not being a in a relationship right now because it's kind of tricky for me. 

Kate  

Because of their masters or because of how open you want it to be. 

Xing Xin: Yeah, it's, you know. How should I say this? In the sexual parts, it's not. It's not. It's it doesn't work out, you know, in my past relationship long term relationship, but so maybe it's good to have open relationship, but I don't know how. I could accept in the emotional part, you know, it's quite tricky. You know, you love somebody. You don't want to share him with others, but. But not mentally. Physically, it's it's kind of hard for each other. You know, you have to be. Honest and to be. What should I say? You know, don't cheat on each other. I think it's usual you make you know when you have a relationship, but you met other people you can't have crush on other people. It it you, you couldn't be, you know, always love only one person. That's not. That's not natural. Yeah. So. I haven't seen this, so think this through. I kind of feel you know how how do? You think about this? 

Kate:  So were you saying that you were,  sexually unsatisfied in your previous long term relationships? 

Xing Xin:I think it's. It's it's not like unsatisfied. It's like, you know, because when I think about my boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, you know, it's his life, and we all only live once. I don't want to ask him to be, you know, only have. If he has some kind of other relationship, I think she he should be. You know. Have her his time or have other kind of. You know, have fun, but emotionally, I don't think I could accept that. It's kind of, you know, controversially. So it's it's a little bit tricky. And to to me it's the same, you know. I have to be loyalty, loyalty to my partner. But sometimes I kind of feel I only live once. If I met somebody else and I love them both. Yeah, yeah, I have to be loyalty to my partner, but that's not, that's not. That's not worth it. Yeah, not about just about me, but. About both of us. Yeah, so I prefer. I think my open relationship might be a solution. Yeah, yeah. . 

Kate  

I bet it's hard. Hmm, yeah. So what it? What does having a good time mean to you? 

Xing Xin 

I don't know. I now have a good time. You're not having it? I'm now have a good time. 

Kate  

Oh, OK. Like in. 

Xing Xin 

Like this moment? Or in general when I? You know, the whole London and may experience is having a good time. Yeah, I feel much free when I've been in London. I kind of I. Like a few months ago, I texted to. My best friend I told her. Like, I feel kind of this might be the most free time in my life ever, and maybe in the future, so I have to cherish this moment. Yeah, it's too short so. 

Kate: Do you think people's lives are hindered by tradition? 

Xing Xin: Conventional tradition. I don't know. I think I don't think so. I am. You know, in a critical reflection I've read about the. The the. Yeah, it's kind of thing in the grayscale. It's you couldn't see it's right or wrong. It's kind of you know. It depends. Sometimes I kind of. I consider myself as a traditional person, even though because you know, I love, I prefer open relationship or kind of thing, but I also cherish some kind of Chinese tradition like. I have some kind of boundary boundary. For example, I don't want to be in like three ways. Yeah, yeah, it's. It's hard to tell why you don't want to be. It's kind of, you know, make yourself in the. Right. Mood or the? It's hard to explain, but you know if sometimes it it could be good. You know, being tradition, yeah.