Ellie

 Ellie Interview Transition

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Kate do you want children and how do you see the care of children being handled in your future?  

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Ellie Yeah, I've always wanted children pretty much again. Yeah, I was quite a girly girl. I've particularly always wanted. Have a daughter or daughters plural. Hopefully I just it's not even rational. I just really, deeply like the idea of getting to raise a child and to shape them and guide them through through the wild. I just kind of, I know I feel a deep kind of need to like know what my child. Would would be like. Quite like to have a lot of children, if if possible, if health and finances and so on would allow it, I could even see myself having up to seven children. Don't run away, I promise. I'm normal. Yeah, people usually run at that point. In terms of the care of children, I think with the kind of remote working and the flexible. Is a thing that I think is going to massively improve my life because personally I have always wanted to work. I have always wanted to career, but at the same time I have really desperately wanted children and I think I'd want to be a hands on parent and I see a lot of people at my work just handing the kids over to nannies and that's not really something that I'd want to do. I think I'd probably want to be the like the primary. If I had a partner so I'd I'd want to do the most of the kind of day-to-day hands-on raising of the children, and I hope that I'd be able to. To work flexibly around that, I wouldn't want to totally give up my career, but at the same time, I would want to change the way in which I was. I was working once. Once I have kids. Yeah, well, I guess I don't know. I have been considering the idea of. What would I do? Like for example if I was single or if I didn't get married or I didn't end up with somebody. And I think to be honest. Like my desire for children has been quite consistent throughout my life. So I think at that point I would look into the possibility of having them as a single parent by choice, by myself. And I think obviously that it would be difficult because the care would be totally in my hands and I probably, yeah, I probably wouldn't end up having seven children as a single parent I am. Vaguely sensible at times but but yeah, I. I don't know. I think it it's kind of a non-negotiable for me in terms of what I want for my life. So I'm yeah, really hoping it happen. 

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Kate Is marriage outdated? 

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Ellie My thinking on this has changed a fair bit. I always used to just assume that I wanted to get married and it was just a part of life and I feel a lot of anxiety about the idea of not being married. But I think over the past year or so, I've started to think about it a bit more seriously and just. Realize that it's not something I would rule out for myself, and I think it really does depend on the relationship and I feel like there can be marriage that's very equal and progressive, but I I'm not sure. I think there are some. Parts of the concept that are quite problematic, particularly when you look at how historically women have been treated with their marriage. And I just, I don't know, I just I I look around and honestly. I just feel. Like whether you're married or not, can't really predict if the relationship survives, so I mean. I I don't know. It's it's a really it's a really difficult one for me and I do have really conflicted feelings about. It I feel like I might want to get married, but I probably wouldn't want a wedding. And again, that's a massive change from. How I used to be? I was a really girly girl and I'd be planning my wedding and everything, but just having seen the reality of friends getting married. And all the stress between the families and so on, and just how much money it will cost and how much of a waste it seems. And they didn't even end up enjoying the day anyway. I think that's just not something that I'd want. I wouldn't want to. Put that extra pressure on myself, but then at the same time I don't want to miss out, so it's difficult. I think I mean, I'm a romantic. I like the idea of two people saying to each other we're going to be together forever. I am religious, so I also like the idea of like the Community and God kind of seeing your commitment to each other but. I don't know. I just I I think it's a marriage is a very blunt instrument and. I don't, I don't know. Like, I'm not necessarily saying I don't want to get married, but I mean, this is kind of this past year is really the first time I've seriously kind of allowed myself the possibility of thinking, what would my life look like if I didn't get married? And actually? I think it would be fine. 

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Kate What does having a good time mean to you?

 

Ellie I think I'm. Coming to appreciate the times that aren't necessarily the the biggest milestone times where or you know not a lot of money spent necessarily. It's not a huge occasion, but I'm I'm learning to kind of find the the beauty and those sorts of times, whether it's just, you know, having a nice walk. Talk or just watching a movie of friends just really kind of low key, good times. And I think that's increasingly becoming more important to me. Yeah, I suppose. Having good time just being around people that you can be truly comfortable with, good conversation, nice food. Laughing quite like. Humour and and yeah, I suppose. If if I'm having and pursuing a more active having a good time. I really like travelling. It's been nice to to make the most of being out of lockdown and moving to London for the first time and getting to see all the different places in London and going round and trying all different food from all different cultures. That's that's a really good time to me. I love all the book shops in London and all the theatres and the creative bits, so just being able to, yeah. And to being able to kind of. Feed my creative brain. That's a that's a good time for me. Just things that you know, things that you're able to do them and and you forget that the time is passing and you forget about your other worries and mundane bits of life. To me, that's the essence of having a good time. Just being able to get get lost in it all. And I think there are lots of different ways that. But you can do that. 

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Kate does being old worry you? 

 

Ellie I feel like this tapping into my soul because it's the part of the year calendar year which is coming up to my birthday and ever since I've been about. 15 so a ridiculous age to be freaking out about this. I've just been really worried about the idea of getting old and aging and so on, and I just. I always never feel like I've done enough by that age to justify being that age and it's just. No, really, really gets to me. I have, like, kind of massive anxiety around the time of my birthday. I actually don't like my birthday. I never do anything like. I don't want to draw attention to my birthday. I don't really know why this is. I guess a lot of it does. Come from sexism, I suppose, because like my mum, for example, she's like, started talking to me in the last few years about, like, come on, you need to hurry up. You need to get married. You need to have kids and I just feel like those things aren't necessarily said to my brother, even though we do know now that, like, men also have limits on their fertility and so on. I I just suppose I really like. I used to feel like. In my early 20s and so on, I used to feel like I had all the time in the world to, you know, go down different routes and mess and things up. Whereas now everything that I do feels serious. I'm very aware of I'm choosing to do one thing. I'm not being able to do something else and I just. I really don't want to waste time so that I'm kind of looking back. Wishing that I'd pulled myself together so I would say it's not necessarily I don't want to be old, it's I don't want to be old with regrets and I do really feel like I'm racing against the ticking clock to kind of achieve everything that I want to achieve and to grow as a person and to get into the right state of mind to to be able to. Go forward and live my my proper adult life. Yeah, I suppose looking older would kind of bother me, but again, it's not necessarily the looking older itself. It's just the what that implies to society. And the idea that you're kind of. Past your prime, which is ridiculous if you think about like how long most of us are actually going to live like to 80 or 90 or so on. But I do feel like from a lot of the common Tracy already, I do feel past my prime. 

 

Kate what's the minimum amount of money you think you could live comfortably off?  

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Ellie that's an interesting one because. I would say that like. My salary has gone up and down over the years and I've even though looking at on paper, there's been a big difference. I haven't necessarily felt that difference myself in terms of feeling like comfortable about the amount of money that I have. I have tried to learn to budget better recently and I think that has helped me feel kind of more in control and see where my money's going and work it out that way. I think. Yeah, I think in an ideal world, you know, having kind of had. A paid off house and everything and not really like worrying about future expenses maybe. And I'm a bit older. I'd hopefully be able to live off of fairly kind of average salary and or like even a part time role, but I think it just depends. Really doesn't it? Because to be honest. My life isn't even expensive today because of necessarily today's expenses. It's just the sense of like I need to be saving for the future. I need to be saving for a house need potentially be saving like for kids. So I think that yeah, just in terms of it's not necessarily the money you need to live on today is also the pressure to be saving for future things. Which hopefully at some point, if I do save and those future things do happen that. Pressure will go away. 

 

Kate what do you do for work? 

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Ellie so I have just qualified as a solicitor, as you know, which was a big thing for me and it's been a long time coming. So it took a years paralegal ring two years studying and two years on the training contract to become a solicitor. And that was after, like, my undergraduate degree and my masters. So it was a big thing for. Me, I do enjoy work. I really I enjoy being. I feel like intellectually challenged by my job, and I also get at the moment at least, I get to do a fair bit of kind of pro bono, like charity, legal work and that's important to me because I do genuinely feel like I'm really helping and giving back to society and making the law accessible for people. Who otherwise wouldn't be accessible for? Yeah, I think. I think maybe in the future we'll have to see like how I'll how I'll take that interest forward. But at the moment I'm I'm really enjoying my job. I don't necessarily enjoy everything about corporate culture in London, but I think that's that's separate to the job. 

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Kate do you ever resent the time you spend looking nice or getting dressed up and does societies expectations of beauty standards impact on you?  

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Ellie  I wouldn't say that. I resent the time I know that has been a kind of a massive it's been discussed more recently, especially I think also the money that women kind of spend on things like makeup and. Various like beauty treatments that men just don't have those expenses, and I wouldn't, I wouldn't say, necessarily resent it. I do quite enjoy. Like nice makeup and nice clothes and so on. Not necessarily. What other people? Would think looks nice like I quite like. Kind of like vintage stuff kind of mock. Victorian sometimes. And that's probably not really the trendiest thing, but like I think it looks nice. Like it makes me happy. So yeah, I wouldn't. I wouldn't say that. I I I resent. Like, I feel like I necessarily have to look nice. All the time. Societies expectations of beauty standards. Yeah, I think it would. Be more of a thing for me. When I was younger and I would just spend in an older amount of time, like obsessing about it. And I do feel like adult life kind of has taken over and I've just kind of made peace with it a little bit and been like, OK, if I had all the time and money in the world, I could probably look a lot nicer than I do, but realistically. I don't wanna go to the gym everyday, I don't want. Spend all this money on like personal stylist or whatever, so that's not actually going to happen. But yeah, I don't know. I guess I do feel pressure it in a work context, I just don't really, for example, high heels. I don't know why it's seen as like professionally have to wear high heels like personally, my days long enough. I don't really want bleeding feet. So yeah, that's an example of. I guess I suppose me resenting like beauty standards. 

 

Kate do you think sex is important in a relationship? 

 

Ellie I think less so than I used to when I was younger. Personally, I'm not a massively physical person, particularly when I'm like upstretched or ill or something. I just kind of quite like I don't want to be touched by anyone and it has caused problems for me in relationships in the past. I have that kind of reaction, but to me like. Intimacy is honestly like conversation and things like that. I find that just as kind of intimate as sex or more in some ways. So I think it it's definitely not as important for me as as I think it probably is for most people. I'm not really sure whether that's a, a gendered thing, but. But yeah, I think there's obviously it's great that people are more comfortable these days talking about sexuality and so on, but I feel like there's sometimes an expectation that if you're not like a massively sexual person, it's because something's gone wrong. And I feel like. Honestly, it's just about, you know, different forms of love languages. And also like, I just think there should be a wider ideas about what sex is and what intimacy is in a relationship. 

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Ellie Jealousy, I'd say, is one of the things that I like. I would really like to work on about myself because I I feel like often I'm just I hear somebody's good news and I'm just. I'm feeling like it takes away from me rather than just one being able to celebrate that good news and I it is something I would really like to to work on. Think of an example. Yeah, it's about really strange things like I think my kind of jealousy is triggered by. Like, not necessarily wanting what somebody else has, but feeling that they've had it easier than me. So for example, like if I hear about a friend kind of like. Getting a getting into law easily. Sometimes that makes me a bit jealous because I I didn't have any financial support from my parents. For example, when I was kind of doing the postgraduate studies course, so I had a particular friend who kind. Would just openly say that ohh, like my grades aren't that great, but I'm getting in on my connections and that would just really like I didn't want like I couldn't be happy for her. I was just inwardly really jealous, but yeah, like I've said, it's something. I'd like to work on. About myself, and I feel like just because. I've had a hard time in something that doesn't mean. Obviously I don't want my friends. They also had a hard time. So yes, maybe that is a cause for self reflection.